I can not tell you how often my parents have told me to stay in rule of society. For me there was only a fine line between ‘feminism’ and being empowered to make your own choices. I was locked in the preset rules of society and couldn’t move out of the box. I was lost and I couldn’t find myself.
My silk sarees with matching blouses from Chennai were hanging in my wardrobe, my ‘Thaali’ was ready and all my relatives were arrived from all over the world to see the long-awaited wedding. Ever since I was a little woman, I have dreamed about my wedding day.
No, i couldn’t move it. Literally, the mere thought of the wedding day in a couple of hours has made me mentally and physically ill. I realized, I had lost myself. I had to make a choice: either i loose myself, quit my job, leave everything behind and find a new myself as his wife, or i marry him and get a divorce after, or i do the ‘courageous’ thing.
I had called my wedding off.
I broke the rules of society and was considered guilty by ‘family & society’. By family I don’t mean my parents, grandparents or my cousin who has travelled quite a distance. It’s been cousins and aunties/uncles you have never expected from. Hurtful words and fingerpointing… the wounds were too fresh. I was emotionally very sensitive and vulnerable. Everything I have expected was sympathy and your valuable time. Maybe I have had wrong expectations from wrong people. Real friends and cousins walked into my life when everybody else walked out. I’m not ungrateful, but this time I really needed you all and you were not there.
I can’t imagine how often I have told myself that everything will be okay one day. I have searched on google for articles and movies to read/watch after you have called off your wedding. I felt painfully lonely. I tried to get to know new people, I bought my dream car, I went to the gym, I trained with a personal trainer, I travelled a lot, I went to India to experience real life challenges, I bought everything I needed, I went out for dinners, I read books and kept me away from ‘wrong’ people.
It’s been a year now and i honestly can’t say i’m feeling good. Relationships are difficult… or people are complicated. I don’t know. I’m sick of being ‘only’ functional. I want to experience real happiness!